This feeling is the reason that I consider eating my words in “Wear My Heart on My Sleeve or Take Off My Shirt!” I feel slightly nauseous and I would like nothing more than to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. Quitting life seems to be the most viable option today, just giving up and throwing in the towel. Nobody get excited, I have a tendency towards hyperbole.
Now this feeling is made all the worse by the fact that I played a large part in this outcome. Through looking at the events of the last month and a half, I can see what kind of part I have played in placing myself in a position to feel this hurt. It is a lot easier to deal with these kinds of things when I can place the blame on someone else. When I can hold on to my anger and insulate myself from the sadness with it.
The question now is, why do I choose to ignore things that would help me to make a more informed decision on whether to move forward or pump my breaks? Why, when a situation or statement doesn’t seem to make a great deal of sense to me, do I choose to take it as it is instead of asking questions? The answer is simple and somewhat disturbing to me. I do not ask the questions because I do not want to hear the answers. I do not want the truth. I want what I want and I would rather believe whatever necessary to make it appear that I am going to get it than face the reality and let the idea go.
I would rather participate in a fantasy than hear something that would require me to make an informed decision about what to do in a given situation. I would rather build castles in the sky than deal with what is really going on around me. I would rather believe your pretty words than question you and find out that this exciting beginning is going nowhere fast.
Why is this? Do I truly still believe somewhere inside that I do not deserve something real and lasting? Do I think that almost is good enough? Or do I have the suspicion that I, myself, am not yet capable of being a true partner or participant and choose men and situations accordingly? Am I the girl constantly finding men who are unavailable in one way or the other because I am finding those that are mirrors of my current self? Sadly, I think that this must be the answer. I am not at a place where I can really be a partner. I am having commitment issues. I am still finding myself. I need to find my own direction instead of focusing on someone else and following.
I am fearful. The future is the scary unknown. I am a senior in college and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I see people around me who seem to know what they want and where there are going and I am here chasing fantasies. This is unsettling. I think that I should have a concrete plan. I like plans. That are neat and tidy and help make sense of this crazy world. Instead it is looking like it will be a lot of trial and error for me to figure out what it is that I am good at, what it is that I enjoy doing, what it is that I really want.
Now the trick is to internalize that this is okay. I do not have to know where I am going. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and show up as my best self, which consequently, I have not been doing. The fear that I am feeling about my career and where I am headed has been causing me to behave in a manner that is outside the ideals that I have for myself.
This is the situation that needs my attention, not the lack of direction or the boys who send me mixed signals. My behavior should be my priority. I know from my own experience, that when I take care of the things that are in front of me and do what needs to be done, things tend to work out without any help from me. Action and trust in my creator, that is what I need now. One foot in front of the other. I may not receive everything that I think that I want right now, but I know that I will end up with exactly what I need.
Trust is hard, but then again, so is this.